Do Orange employ clowns? Comical customer service

At the age of 40-something, I declare Orange UK pay-as-you-go as providing my worst first-hand experience of dealing with a company, ever. I should say Orange UK-India because it seems customers who are not on a pay monthly contract are handled by a team of clowns somewhere on the sub-continent.

This fiasco began back in November 2008 when I called Orange to request that my phone be unblocked for use with other networks when overseas. Clearly connected to Orange team India, I was lied to from the start - "Nokia charge Orange £20 so we must pass that cost onto the customer". Bull. It didn't get any better when another agent, an arrogant fool ("everyone comes back to me"), told me that he was "doing me a favour" and I could call Nokia and give them his name and they'd "do it for free". Anyone not living at the circus can guess the outcome of that, especially when he couldn't give me a direct number - he said call the switchboard. Fortunately I've got your number! Orange clown number 6696.

All of these calls take time - navigating through a maze of automated menus and waiting to speak to an agent, and waiting when with the agent - probably while he chats with his mates, looks at a couple of videos and updates his facebook status. After getting over this I called again the following morning and again in the afternoon - still no luck. Finally, two days later I refreshingly heard an English accent, a lady who helped me as I would have wished - we processed the request together and she told me it would be up to five days to process, and not to forget to load my balance with £20 to cover the cost, which I did immiediately. Great, I had achieved it the day before going overseas for two months. The email with the unlocking code would arrive early in my trip. No. Later that day I received a call to advise me the request could not be processed because my phone had not been used with my Orange SIM card on the Orange network for 90 days. True, I had been with Orange for a couple of years but this phone I had just taken from an aquaintance. Why did they not say this before? It was too late to do anything about it.

Memo in calendar for February - phone can be unlocked. Fast-forward to February - 90 days on the network plus a few extra for good measure. My Orange SIM was used on and off in France but not in Africa where it is too expensive to use the UK card - I had been using a cheap local phone and SIM.

On or around Feb 15 I called to process the unlock request. Long story short - "Oh your SIM is associated with another phone". They were talking about my last Nokia phone. By now they were really starting to get to me but as ever I try to remain calm but firm in the belief that it achieves more. I explained the story so far and on Feb 18 all requirements were met and my request was processed with no callbacks later in the day to say "sorry we cannot..". "Up to five days" I was advised. Five days later - nothing - I wrote to them by webmail on the 23rd, and on February 25 they responded. Then and since then it has been the same thing - voice of concern, apologies, "priority" actions, memos to "follow-up" then nothing - absolute silence until I conjure up some spirit to try again.

Today, one month after my legitimite order was accepted, and countless excuses later, it was revealed to me that the SIM that was originally regsitered to the phone is the only one it can be unlocked with. Why didn't they say that in November, or at any point during the countless requests, or why at all? I mean - how ridiculous.

Well I gave them an ultimatum, policy or not, extreme failures warrant exceptional measures. Given the failures, any company worthy of customer loyalty would pass this case to a senior manager and just authorise a policy override - unlock my phone. I've had my bank reimburse charges on the back of a firm letter and adding £30 for the inconvenience. Things go wrong - it's how you deal with it.

Orange have not complied so I leave them the most dissatified I have ever been with a company offering products or services - not because of their call quality, or the accuracy of billing - purely because of diabolical customer service. This may seem a lengthy monologue but I've only included the "low-lights". I discourage anyone and everyone from using Orange PAYG. They have dumped their support network in India and it has arrived in and being operated from some kind of circus hell.